Featured

Dating and the single girl…

This is the post excerpt.

Advertisements

The pressure to find “the one”

Catching up with a close friend she asked me how my dating life was, you know the usual questions you ask your single friends.

Obviously there is no dating life and the last guy I spoke to her about it fizzled out in a matter of days – standard.

I mentioned things he did, things I saw and things which cringed me out… a lot of things cringe me out.

So moments after she stopped howling of laughing she said I could write a book with my dating life. So I took her wise words on and here I am… I haven’t wrote a book obviously but I’m blogging.

I can’t be the only one whose having this ongoing battle with dating?

So here we go. I’ll go in details of my life, dating and whatever else comes to mind.


26 and single

I’m 26, soon to be 27 and I’ve been having the ongoing feeling recently that I’ll be left on the shelf, gathering dust.

Should I be settled down by now?

Perhaps in a serious, steady relationship where we cook each other dinner, do the Tesco shop together and console each other through the emotional parts of films.


Dating in 2017

So, the whole dating thing… It’s not what it used to be.

Honestly, there are so many dating apps which I’ve tried… you know the ones POF, Tinder, Bumble etc.

Continue reading “Dating and the single girl…”

What will be, will be

Earlier on today I came across an article “8 Things That Happen When You Meet A Nice Guy After A Narcissistic Relationship”

https://herway.net/relationship/8-things-happen-meet-nice-guy-narcissistic-relationship/

And all the points made perfect sense to me.

As I was scrolling through I found myself looking at them and thinking back to how I felt when I was at my lowest. When I lost who I was.

Thinking back to how I felt when I was treated that way, that’s something I never want to go through again.

Having to feed someone’s ego constantly is humiliating. At that time when it’s happening, you feel as if you have to do it.

You feel as if, if you don’t you’ll lose them.

So now going forward, I still feel affected by it.

How can one experience with someone who didn’t deserve you affect you so much?

How can you become so reliant on them giving you those rare compliments that whenever someone compliments you now, you brush it off as you don’t see what they see in you?

It is difficult when you’ve been through something draining like that, to then have to be in that mindset that everyone is not the same.

You have to teach yourself to embrace those compliments, to enjoy the company of others and most importantly to be able to love yourself again.

I was told recently that if I was given two jars, one for what I like about myself and the other for those things that I don’t like about myself I would be able to fill up the second jar quicker.

Unfortunately for me, that’s true.

I get asked often, how can I be single. And sometimes I brush it off and laugh with the whole “oh waiting for mr right” – but deep down I do feel that it’s such a big step for me.

What and who is mr right?

The thought of me, meeting someone who treats me the complete opposite way than what I’m used to fills me with happiness.

I see my friends with their partners who treat them so well and of course it makes me feel that I wish I had something like that.

However, I honestly don’t think I would know how to deal with it. I think I would be overwhelmed.

Ever since, I’ve been alone I’ve been in the whole “what will be, will be” mindset.

Mainly because I am able to read someone’s behaviour quickly, so I can tell what their motive is.

Perhaps that’s my gut instinct talking to me.

Perhaps I have to let my guard down slightly and enjoy right now.

What will be, will be.

Be a better you

If you have been through it and experienced anxiety, worrying or that nervous, uneasy feeling you’ll understand what I mean when I discuss the issues in my blogs.

I tend to write my blogs when I feel inspired. This is mainly when I’m in the gym having some ‘me’ time – I write notes in my phone with thoughts that I have.

So before I was told I had anxiety I used to worry about everything, don’t get me wrong I still do however I have discovered coping mechanisms and I try not to get to trapped in my thoughts. …(Sometimes easier said than done)

I remember I used to go out and it was as if I had a chip on my shoulder. That constant on edge feeling like I was being looked at or spoken about or even judged.

Even last night I experienced this and I had to snap myself out of it and remember that I shouldn’t care what others think and I should just enjoy myself.

My friend reminded me that those people could be looking at me because they like what I’m wearing for instance, etc. So I had to think of all the positives, which I did.

It’s nice not worrying.

Dancing away like you don’t actually care who is watching you. Apart from the guy in the corner of the bar who I accidentally bent over in front of whilst dancing.

In my defence I didn’t see him. Then ever since that bending over moment, there he was…

But anyway, when you’re in that mind set where you think everyone is against you it’s horrific.

You feel like the whole world is on your shoulders and even the slightest thing could make you flip.

However last night I enjoyed myself.

I felt happy, confident and care free.

The 2-4-1 cocktails definitely helped!

Noticing those changes

It was another moment where I realised I am now aware of my thoughts and most of all I’m in control.

I am in control on how I treat a situation and how I feel about it.

It’s hard, don’t get me wrong but it’s do-able.

Where as before I was adamant what was happening was solid fact, and nothing or nobody could change my mind.

But now, I am trying to take a step back.

I’m thinking more positive and not letting the negative vibes over power me.

Talking about it

So I had my first session of my therapy. This is like behavioural change therapy. Where they help you change how you deal with situations and find the route cause. To enable, a better you.

Anyway, I actually imagined the place in my head.

I thought it would be like what you see on TV. A long chair where I’d lay down on and the therapist will have a clip board and ask me to close my eyes – Clearly I have watched way to much TV. It was the complete opposite!

So all in all I get 6 sessions, the therapist leads every session. I just open up to her and answer questions.

Session one wasn’t what I thought it would be. I wanted to get all my thoughts out all in one go, she knew that too. However this was where she was getting to know me and notice my behaviour.

With me I get a lot of what I call, “word vomit” – I just say it.

I could say something and someone would take offence to it.

She exclaimed how that’s my anxiety taking over. It’s my mind just wanting to get it out the way and hurry as I’m in a constant rush. I don’t really know what I’m rushing for still.

She could read me like a book. The first time ever someone hasn’t said I’m cold or blunt.

The first time I was able to talk to someone and not feel like they think I’m exaggerating.

That was a relief and a load of my mind.

It was interesting as she compared anxiety as to me battling a saber-toothed tiger. Now you’re probably thinking what on earth… but it’s where my mind is on overdrive and I’m trying to battle with this tiger before I can continue.

Sleepless nights

I discussed with her that I have a lot of sleepless nights.

That’s where the tiger comes in, before I am able to fall asleep I have to ‘battle’ this tiger – my mind is on over drive and I’m over thinking.

It is natural for people to think more when they’re in bed – what person doesn’t?!

You’re still probably thinking what on earth is she waffling on about, this bloody saber-tooth tiger.

But it all makes total sense to me.

Also, for those who have sleepless nights my friends recently got me this cream called ‘sleepy’ from Lush.

And it really works! It helps you drift off into a natural sleep. I use it regularly and can’t rate it enough.

What’s next?

Your mind is so strong where someone or something can change your whole day, so it’s good to focus on something else to help prevent those negative thoughts.

It’s one of those things for me where I find writing these blogs quite therapeutic.

There’s so many things out there to do which can help change your thoughts and your mind set.

I’ve had so many people come forward to me for advice and even to discuss issues which they they feel they would like help with.

And I can’t thank them enough as it’s so nice that people are reading my blogs and taking in what I write about.

I feel proud of myself for being positive and for not becoming upset by situations that previously would really get to me.

I’ve woken up today feeling happy, strong and determined to achieve more. Not to mention feeling hangover free which is an absolute bonus!

Remember, a positive mind, makes positive changes.

♥️

“For every sauce pan there is a lid”

I popped in after the gym to see my Nannie.

As always I ask if she needs anything opened or anything done whilst I’m there, but tonight it was just a new foundation which she couldn’t open properly.

As I opened it, she pulled out a new lipgloss from her bag which she brought for me.

My favourite – coral in gold.

As I applied it in the mirror to admire the new shade I could hear her sighing in the living room. I thought she might have missed neighbours but no, she was sighing over the fact that time is going too quickly.

“27 soon darling, where does the time go”.

My instant reply was “I know Nannie, 27 and I’m still unsure what I’m doing with my life”…

She looked shocked at me, but the way she reassures me is lovely. I’m sure everyone by now knows Nannies famous saying “for every sauce pan there is a lid”

Over a cup of decaf coffee and a slice of homemade pie she looked at me and told me I am a lovely girl. I think I’ll forever feel like a little girl when I’m with my Nannie. Life is simple when I’m with her.

We continued watching her favourite soaps on the telly and talking about when we’re next going for bingo. She then began to tell me that this generation is not like it was when she was younger.

I think she’s either been watching too many soaps on the telly or she’s been earwigging on the bus again but she came out with “youngsters these days, it’s all about the sex” – I didn’t ask where she heard about the ‘sex’ but I listened politely as you would do. Whilst enjoying my pie.

She continued:

“When I was younger you would let the man court you, let him do all the chasing. Enjoy each other’s company and get to know one another – take things slow. You deserve a man who has a job, treats you well and makes you proud”.

Nannie is one for her cute wise words. She continued to say that she knows this is my year. (Even though we’ve got a few months left of 2017) – I’ll take what I can get!

“I take every day as a blessing darling” she said.

As she handed me my birthday card and cuddled me she said “enjoy every moment”.

She is too cute.

At 26, I still blow her kisses from my car whilst she waves me goodbye from the window.

I drove home and thought about all she said. She was right, it’s not the same as it used to be in our parents and our grandparents generation.

I’m 100% certain if I met a guy the same way my Nannie met my Grandad he would get bored with me and bugger off!

I agree that it’s nice to take things slow and ‘court’ but I 1 million percent don’t want to waste my time or someone else’s when I’m not even sure what I want if I don’t get that vibe from them. It’s all about that vibe.

To be fair, knowing my luck I’ve probably met my soul mate but I’ve already told him to “fuck off” – but on a serious note I’m going to take my Nannies advice and take things slow. I don’t really know how much slower it can get though…

I wonder if 27 will be a different age, do I increase my age of man I go for… extend my search criteria on Tinder or do I start going to more swanky bars where older men go and sip whisky?

Then again, I am out for cocktails this weekend but I know it either goes from me being completely civilised to me ending up holding my shoes in a kebab shop waiting for cheesy chips. But you never know…

Being true to you

I was slightly unsure whether to write this blog.

It’s a bit different from the previous blogs I have written, however I want others to know that sometimes it’s ok not to be ok.

Sometimes it’s ok to be unsure on something and ask for help.

An insight into my story

I remember back when I didn’t know who I was. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise the person who I had become.

The girl who was once confident, outspoken, carefree…disappeared.

I was so worried of making someone else happy I forgot to look after myself.

Constantly putting myself down over everything, trying to change who I was, exercising ridiculously just to get that attention from someone who wasn’t even nice to me – it was baffling.


Now when I look back, I would have done things so much differently.

I would have walked away when I had the chance, I would have listened to those who cared for me and I would have stopped being so hard on myself.

I regret a lot. But there’s some things in life which happen to make you stronger.

Now, I’m the sort of person who bottles things up in general.

I wouldn’t explain how I feel and I would take on so much that I would then explode.

It’s me either protecting myself or not wanting to be a burden on others.

Hearing people say “don’t exaggerate” or “you’re over thinking” was the hardest thing to hear. In my mind, I wasn’t doing either of those things.

I became so confused and angry in how I felt I took it upon myself to go for help. Now, this was the biggest step for me and something I was scared to do.

And that’s when I was told it isn’t me over thinking, and I wasn’t being dramatic.

I was told I have anxiety. This has come from me being stressed and being pushed to my limits.

For those who are unsure what anxiety is, it’s a constant heaviness on your mind.

It’s a feeling of unknown, and being overwhelmed with your own thoughts and emotions.

You can feel as if things are speeding up or slowing down.

You constantly feel on edge and more alert to situations around you and you feel as though you’re being looked at or spoken about.

This can play tricks on your mind and become totally exhausting.

Its a horrible experience but I can’t press enough to say that it is normal.

We all go through situations in our lives which will push us to our limits, and it is unpleasant however I’ve learnt that it’s good to talk.

Someone once told me that a trouble shared is a trouble halved, and that was the case.

One way of thinking about anxiety is to imagine your stress levels being like a bucket of water.

The more stress that’s added to the bucket, the more it’s going to fill up, then overfill.

I was given lots of advice and help which is what I needed, and most of all that little bit of reassurance.

I was taught techniques on self help and how to cope with my emotions.

So, the reason why I’m blogging this today is to help those out there who feel how I felt.

I’m not ashamed to have gone for help and I am actually happy I did.

The hardest part of it all, was to actually admit that I needed someone to talk too.

I was aware of the issues going on and knew I needed something to change because… I missed me.

So, for anyone who is feeling like this or could do with a little bit of reassurance please remember:

It’s good to talk

Talk to someone you know who listens to you. Ask for help and don’t bottle your feelings up.

Read a book

Reading books is such a good relief for stress and anxiety. I’ve recently been reading a few motivational books, it sounds silly but books that can help your self esteem and how you can change how you see things.

Motivational quotes

I absolutely love a motivational quote. When you’re feeling a bit down or you want some reassurance these quotes can be so powerful.

Exercise

Those who know me well will know I love my work out routines.

It’s something I do to help me focus my mind on, and it’s good for you.

I set myself goals and seeing changes in myself can not only improve my confidence but also it changes how I feel about me.

It gives me a bit of a boost, and that’s all you need sometimes.

Breathe

This sounds daft, but I sometimes forgot to breathe properly when I was stressed. It’s important to work on your breathing, especially when you feel that you’re becoming tense or stressed. Count to 10 before you react to anything, and be in control.

Treat yourself

Now I’m not saying you should buy yourself something ridiculous and be broke.

But go out with your friends, dress up, let your hair down and enjoy!

Know your worth

Most of all, remember you’re worth a thousand times more than those people who have put you down and made you feel like that overfilled bucket of water.

Take time out

Have some time out.

Take it easy for a bit and use your “me” time wisely to unwind.

Enjoy every day and focus on being true to yourself.

Your past is in the past, it doesn’t define you. You’re in charge and in control of now. Enjoy every moment and embrace who you are.

First Dates

Dates … you can get some good ones and some bad ones. Coming from my personal experience I would like to give you all the insight into dating… what to do, what not to do, and what you should be wary of.


Leading up to the date

So it’s your first date and he’s asked if you want to go out for dinner. You’ve been talking for a few weeks so obviously you do, food is great and you like him – why not!

You have the whole “what do you fancy?” conversation. It’s like “well what do you fancy?” “I don’t mind you choose”. Usually it’s an Italian restaurant… everyone likes an Italian restaurant.

To drive or not to drive

It’s always nice to have the offer to be picked up. But, make sure you know him well before hand. That’s really important… imagine if he picked you up and it was a bit awkward.

It’s good to keep your own safety at the front of everything. Make sure you let your friends know where you are, send them a location message on whatsapp and let them know how it’s going. Be wise!

And just think, if you were in the car with him there, you’d have to get a lift back from him… the awkward goodbye is never something we need to happen. Leaning in for a kiss on the cheek to say bye and he thinks you’re leaning in for a kiss on the lips – no thank you.

Clothing

You have to think of your outfit choice, if you’re a messy eater like me, avoid light colours. Opt for a dark colour, and use a napkin over your lap. As much as it’s tempting to tuck it into your top like a bib, just don’t. You’re trying to make a good impression.

If you know you’re going to have carbs and you bloat easy, just wear a nice top and jeans – make sure you’re comfortable!

You want to look nice but don’t go too over the top. Show some cleavage but don’t have all your tits out. You don’t want to give him the wrong idea, plus it’s nice to save a little bit of that for another time – keep him guessing.

Be seductive and sophisticated.

First impressions

Now, this is the make or break. What’s your first vibe. Is he on time, is he late, did he get lost and have to call for directions even though you gave him the address. Google maps is a thing people!

It’s a definite winner if he smells good, and it goes a long way to compliment him. And it’s always nice to receive one. It’s nice to be told positive things about yourself.

Talk to each other

You should know some things about him already. You should have already seen his social media, had a good browse and seen what he’s about and spoke to him on the phone.

You don’t want to go there not knowing much.

As much as people say “you can ask him on the date”. Well can you? What if it’s awkward and he’s hard to get a discussion flowing with.

Get to know his interests and go from that. Be interested and listen. We’re all guilty of nodding and smiling when really we are wondering where the waiter is as you want to order.

Avoid the negative chat. If he brings up his ex more than once he’s not over her and is thinking about her.

If you bring up your ex, you’ll just scare him off.

So basically, avoid the ex chat. Save all of that for a later date.

Dinner choices

I definitely think that no one should feel like they’re being judged by their food choice on a date.

I remember when I was on a date, I ordered a pizza. We all know the pizzas in zizzi, come on it’s easy to demolish one of those and I was starving. I ate it and he actually said “hungry were ya”. What actual nerve did he have. If I want to demolish a whole thin base pizza I will thank you very much.

But anyway, there’s also no point ordering something you know you don’t like.

A previous date of mine ordered a chilli. He then said he didn’t like chilli or onions.

What is the main ingredient in a chilli… CHILLIES AND ONIONS.

I couldn’t cope.

Also, no one should say “I’ll have what their having”. Be independent. Because on date 1 if they’ve said that it’s a definite possibility they’re going to make the joke “do you want to try mine?” even though you have the same meal.

Body language

If you’re sat there with your arms folded it’s very guarded.

Relax, try and be comfortable and don’t be too serious.

Have an alcoholic beverage and loosen up – Not that loose tho.

Flirt. Don’t be shy and hold back. If you like him and you’re flirting hopefully he’ll get the idea. It’s healthy to fancy someone and flirting is fun.

However don’t be to keen, for instance don’t start sucking your finger or licking your lips in a sexual way.

Remember it’s date one and you’re out for dinner. Keep it PG.

Can we have the bill please?

I always offer to pay half. It’s polite but, let’s be realistic, it’s nice for the guy to offer, it’s such a gentleman thing to do – especially on date 1.

And if he asks to put your money away, offer to buy a drink either there or a bar after, that gives you the chance to spend some more time with him as well – clever eh?

Goodbye kiss?

Doooo it!

Well, only if there’s really good chemistry and you’ve got definite you know, feels.

There’s nothing worse than going home thinking that you wished you kissed him. Because if you’re thinking it, he’s thinking it. We’re all thinking it.

Be honest

If you like him, tell him. You be confident and tell him you’ve enjoyed his company.

I have always felt that honesty is the best policy.

In most occasions… don’t tell him too much though, you don’t want to frighten him.

Second thoughts?

It’s natural to go home after the date thinking how well it went and then suddenly your feelings can change.

If you’re unsure about things re think that second date. He could have done something that could have really turned you off or scared you.

A guy messaged me a few days before our second date. The caption said “when the lads want Nando’s and your girl says come have chicken at home” – it was an actual picture of a naked woman, taped up with her arms like chicken wings with a gag in her mouth – legs open the lot.

So I did what every other female would do. Took a screenshot and sent it to all my friends to ask their opinions.

Everyone’s opinion was the same.

Just listen to your gut instinct. I mean, does any man actually think that’s pre second date picture message material? Like, I think some men would send a picture of their bits, you know. Not a woman taped up like a chicken.


The moral of the story is, date. Enjoy it and have fun.

But stay safe. It’s easy when you’re feeling a bit vulnerable to go on dates with men to fill that gap but do it when you’re ready.

There’s absolutely no need to rush anything or to throw yourself into something when your mindset isn’t in the right place.

“Fuck Boys”

The “fuck boy”

What’s a fuck boy you ask?

Well, to break it down a bit for you if you aren’t familiar…

1. It’s a lad who is weak.

2. Relies on his mum a lot and doesn’t respect women, he also looks like he just read one of jaden smith’s tweets in all of his selfies. You know the type.

3. A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to get what he wants. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get their own way.

4. The type of guy who does shit that generally pisses everyone off. He will also lead girls on, compliment them, make them feel special. He doesn’t want to deal with all the “relationship bullshit” or he isn’t “ready” which then leads to the whole “situationship”.

5. He thinks about himself and only himself.

6. We’ve all been there. Your friends can tell you he’s fucking you over, you can’t see it and you keep on going back until you finally find your back bone and block him. Apparently that’s called ghosting… (my friend is now the queen of the blocking. She has no shame, they annoy her … *block*)

The worst part of it is when you’re left on read and you go back now and again to check if he’s online.

You’ll think why on earth am I doing this?!

Then you’ll end up on his sisters, boyfriend, cousins friends Instagram hoping you don’t double tap and like a picture from 2014.

How to avoid the fuck boys

Stop all contact immediately

I know it’s tempting. You’ve taken a fly selfie and he suddenly pops out the wood work and likes it whilst adding a flame emoji in the comments section. You can put the flame emoji in the caption, you know you’re hot, your friends call tell you you’re hot. Just stop.

Block and delete

I repeat, block and delete. Once again, it’s tempting. After a few days or weeks of being left on read he’ll then pop up, “hi babe wuu2” – well quite frankly, he’s too lazy to even type “what you up too” so he doesn’t deserve a reply. He’s only messaging you because he’s been found out by the other girls and his mates are with their birds.

Don’t even bother talking about him to anyone he knows well

If you need to vent, do it to your close friends. Have a glass of savvy b or even pop down to your local Starbucks. You deserve that moment where you can vent. Also, just be careful when out and you see his friends. They’ll most likely start a conversation “what happened with ____?”. Don’t entertain this. Just act casual, act like you don’t care. Men are like women, they talk. And it’ll be “lad banter” – don’t be involved in that.

Stop caring

Get your nails done, sort those eyebrows out and buy that face mask. Do you think he cares? NO. He doesn’t even remember what he’s done to piss you off!

Just have fun

Get your best friends together, have some prosecco, take those cute boomerangs, find that good lighting and enjoy!